Notices containing the below text were recently posted around my 'hood. I haven't seen any of these deer myself.
Hello neighbors to the left and to the right.
I am writing to let you know about the deer in my yard and how they have lost their fucking minds. I believe that they are interested in vanquishing my loved ones and me from our home, both out of territorial imperative and just plain spite. I hope you don’t have deer like mine, but I think that you do. This is a nightmare. Stash, thanks for shooting that one the other night. It had my sister trapped in the tool shed, and did not look like it was going to let her go. This sort of thing simply won’t do. Maybe I’ll just cover my yard in poison. Land-mines may also do the trick, though they are somewhat out of fashion politically. At any rate, something must change. If you see a deer in my yard and I am not around, please do me a favor and execute it. This curious, new breed is a menace and needs to be terminated with a good deal of prejudice. Did I tell you that one ran up on my sister’s car and caved in the driver’s side door? See what I mean?
Maybe these deer are high on some chemical that has seeped into in the ground water, or maybe the construction on the interstate has made them uneasy. Who knows? They are certainly on a hair trigger. Why, a couple of nights ago, one came up and urinated against my front door. The smell was unbelievable. His eyes were bright red and his anger seemed almost human—it was as if he had a soul (a terrible one). What I’m saying is, this was not instinctual behavior—he was fucking with me. I threw a blanket over him and tried to wrestle him to the ground, but he was way too strong. He broke loose and became further enraged, ramming the side of my house with his antlers and leaving many divots in my lawn. If I had not gotten back inside and locked the door, I believe he would have wasted me. My young son heard the ruckus, and now he is too frightened to even cross our yard. Last night I had to give him a spoonful of wine.
So, let’s talk about our children. As I mentioned, my poor son is literally too scared set foot outside our door, and I don’t blame him. A kid is no match for an angry buck, though, quite frankly, I think a ‘lil bunny rabbit could take out my boy--but that’s another story. Anyway, watch your children. I’m certain that these deer would very much enjoy picking them off for sport.
Now let’s take that a little further—what if these fucking creatures get a taste for human blood? It would be a nightmare. There are a lot of deer around here, and they run fast as shit. Just something to keep in mind.
So Brian, you wanna’ put in a new deck? Marty, how about that enclosed porch? And Leo, what about that garden your fucking wife is so proud of? Well guys, say goodbye to all that unless we deal with these deer. Otherwise, they’re gonna’ piss and shit all over our great, big homes and suck the eyes out of our kinfolk’s heads. Do I have your attention, now?
This situation is unacceptable. What will we do? I don’t want to sell my place--I just redid the septic. If anyone has any bright ideas, please get in touch. And in the mean-time, watch your step. These deer are vicious, and they’re out to fucking lunch.